Memory in Motion

Ryan’s starting a new job on Monday. I’m excited for him, and very happy about the nice raise he is getting. But, it’s a little scary since he’s had the same job for 5 years now and is now going to be facing the great unknown. But he is getting back into technical support, which will make him happier.

I saw the doctor today and he upped my anti-anxiety medication. I am feeling better but not great. And, my blood pressure was 130/80, which is too high for me, so I need to figure that out.  

I am agonizing over this week’s paper for school because I got a B on last week’s assignment. I could blame the fact that the instructions were listed three different places and none of them matched the template, but I won’t. Instead I’ll blame my inability to live up to my potential. Doesn’t that sound like more fun?

This weekend’s plans-

• Mow the yard
• Do a project plan to find out how much it will cost to replace the backsplash in our kitchen.
• 7 loads of laundry
• Scrub toilets
• Mop bathrooms
• Finish the bills
• Finish my paper
• Play poker (maybe)
• Play with Ian (definitely)

A weird thing has happened. Inexplicably, I have been voluntarily watching the NBA Finals. I have even been talking about basketball with acquaintances and reading news articles about the Mavericks. I don't get it! I have always been perplexed by the "home team" mentality and I really don't enjoy most sports, but basketball has really captured my interest this year. I think I like how fast things move and the fact that it seems like the players are really working out there instead of just knocking each other around. Anyway, it's totally out of character for me, but what can I say, except Go Mavs!

We had a wonderful night out last night, and Ryan even bought me a card, which he hasn't done in about 8 years. I'm still sick and miserable, but feeling better about everything else.

• I am so sick and miserable. I feel like I'm drowning in snot. The doctor gave me a shot earlier today and a prescription for an antibiotic. Between those 2 things, Claritin D, Flonase, Afrin and Advil, why do I still feel like hell? It hardly seems fair.
• I'm tired of having to be careful not to turn on the TV or boot up CNN.com for fear of seeing a picture of a corpse (or having Ian see it). Yes, I understand the man was horrible. But why do we have to stare at dead bodies?
• No one is reading my blog since I moved. How hard is it to update a link, really?
• I'm broke
• Ryan has an exciting job prospect, but it involves a lot of travel, and I'm too chicken to pull off being a single mom for long stretches of time.
• I started antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication but I don't know if it's working because I'm sick.
• My insurance company won't pay for the medication once the free trial my doctor gave me runs out without us having to jump through hoops first. I will have to switch drugs and then prove that the one they want me to take didn't work in order to get them to listen to my doctor.
• My boss had 2 things that were brought to his attention about me this week. I have been working myself silly and it doesn't seem to matter much lately.
• It's 100 degrees outside. I can't imagine what August is going to be like.
• Tomorrow we are going out to celebrate our anniversary, and I don't think my husband really loves me anymore. But then, I have been told I am paranoid, so maybe I should reserve judgement on that one until the anti-anxiety medicine kicks in.

Okay, I think I'm done for now. I'll probably have something positive to say tomorrow.

Ryan is out by himself tonight. My mother in law is opening a bar and this is opening night. I didn't have a babysitter, so it is just Ian and me for the evening. But, Ryan took Ian to a friend's birthday party this afternoon, so I had plenty of time to get my paper for school written.

I'm going to the doctor Monday. I hate hate hate hate to admit it, but I need some help with my depression. It's getting worse by the week, and I'm crying almost every day now. I've gotten completely paranoid and always feel like Ryan is mad at me, and that my life is absolutely overwhelmingly hard, and so on and so on. I have always struggled with depression, and I try so hard not to take any kind of drugs that I will be on forever, but it really has gotten worse and I don't know how much longer Ryan is going to put up with my panic attacks and crying jags. Maybe this will be a short lived round of pills. I will tell the doctor I want to stop after 6 months and re-evaluate.

I want to work out tonight, but I don't know if the desire will override the laziness. I just finished my chores, though, so I really have nothing else to do tonight except put Ian to bed later.

Anyway, that's it for this week. Hopefully something more positive next time around.