Memory in Motion

My grandmother passed away this week. I’m struggling with my feelings. She had alzheimer’s, and she and I always had a rather tough relationship. So it’s hard to be really sad. But then I feel guilty for not being sad, and start to think something’s wrong wtih me, and it spirals down from there.

She did teach me some things. She taught me how to stand up for myself, and the importance of being open minded. And I am sure she is happier now than she was in that awful nursing home. 

I didn’t go to the funeral, but my Mom did and she will be out of town for several more days. My son is very upset that his grandma is MIA. We just told him that her Mommy was sick and she had to go be with her. I didn’t know what else to say.

Ian’s birthday is Monday, and his party is tomorrow at McDonald’s. 2 hours of 15 or so 4 year olds hyped up on sugar. Wish me luck!

I  have Monday off to take him for his 4 year checkup and to give him the day off from school. I am a firm believer that you shouldn’t have to go to school or work on your birthday!

We also have to set up his new twin bed this weekend and take down the toddler bed. I cannot believe how fast he is growing up.

We went to his school’s open house this week, and I am very impressed. Primrose has taught him so much! He has learned his sign language letters all the way to “R” and knows all of his planets and basic math. And that is what he picked up during the summer off months! He is going to start an official curriculum on Monday, and will have to start wearing his uniform them.

And last but not least, I started a new diet today after a big fight with Ryan. Wish me luck.

• Ryan just got back from a 4 day business trip to Las Vegas.
• Ian is starting Pre-K on Monday! He is extremely excited.
• Ian will be 4 on the 21st. I can’t believe how fast time is going.
• I have been incredibly busy at work and it is only going to get worse this week. Then I’m taking 2 days off! Oh well, I will get caught up again eventually.
• My college class is going well. There are fewer projects than the class I took last semester, which is nice. I still have a 100% average. 

We went to play poker last night, and I ended up $1 up at the end of the night. Ryan ended up with about 35 cents of his $5 left. All in all, not too bad and certainly cheaper than anything else you can go out to do. We had a good time with our friends and Ian had a good time with their daughter. 

I’ve been thinking about how the way people play poker says a lot about how they treat life. For example, I always stay in. I refuse to fold until I see all the cards, even when I know I don’t have much in my hand and other people are raising the stakes. I’m totally optimistic. People think I bluff a lot, but really, I just always believe I’m going to get the perfect card! I end up losing a lot of money that way, but then every 10th hand or so, I win big. I usually come out on top. I think that’s how I treat life too- eternally and foolishly optimistic. I don’t give up. I may get knocked down a lot, but in the end I have some big wins, and come out about even. 

Ryan is a more conservative player. He folds more often. He doesn’t stay in when he knows it’s going nowhere. But when he thinks he has a good hand, he will bet everything and raise some. Sometimes he’s right, sometimes he’s wrong, but he shows a definite courage of his convictions either way. He has gone “all in” with me when some people wouldn’t have. He must think I’m a good hand.

I saw the doctor today. He and I agree that I am doing much better emotionally, but I’m still tired all the time. So, he’s running scary blood tests to check for diabetes, thyroid disease, etc. He also agreed that it could just be that I have a busy life and a lot of extra weight to carry around and both of those can cause fatigue. But at least this way we will know if something medical is causing me to want to sleep all the time since it doesn’t seem to be depression based.