Memory in Motion

Sasha died early this morning. It was very unexpected. I noticed that she was hiding under the bed Saturday morning, and figured that she was having a grooming problem and was trying to avoid us giving her a bath.  We finally drug her out from under the bed yesterday morning when she didn’t come out to get her stocking full of catnip, and found that she was very weak and dehydrated. We gave her some food and water, and gave her a soft area to sleep in our bathroom.  We covered her with a towel because she felt cold, and we visited her throughout the day, but she just kept getting worse. By evening, she wasn’t moving, and when we did try to move her, she cried. I got really scared when I realized she wasn’t blinking at all. I think she saw me still, but she wasn’t opening and closing her eyes, and I knew she would go blind before long if she didn’t start blinking again.  I laid down on the floor with her and stroked her, and talked to her about how much I loved her and why. I told her I was sorry for the fact that we hadn’t always gotten along.

Once we got Ian to bed, Ryan took her to the emergency animal clinic that’s open 24/7.  They were doing some bloodwork and tests on her to see what was wrong, but while they were working on her, she went into cardiac arrest. They did CPR but she didn’t make it.  The vet really thinks that she had cancer. She said she felt a mass in her abdomen, and that a lot of times cats will have cancer and just not seem sick until the very end. By the time we brought her out from under the bed, her body had probably metabolized part of her liver, and there was really nothing we could do.

I am very sad, and trying to seem OK for Ian. Ian is the most compassionate boy- when Ryan came home, Ian was worried about Sasha being alone at the hospital. When we told him that she had died and wasn’t coming home, he was worried that now Daddy didn’t have a cat, and offered to share Kyra and Solstice.  I love that he is so empathetic. I don’t think he really understands what death is, but he knows that Sasha was sick, and her body stopped working, and that she won’t be with us anymore.

I feel guilty for not knowing something was wrong sooner. She had been much more affectionate these past few months. She got outside a couple of weeks back and stayed gone for 2 days, which was totally out of character. And about 3 months ago, she had lost a tooth. I didn’t take any of those as signs that she needed to be seen by a vet. I guess it doesn’t do any good to beat myself up about it, but I still feel like I failed her.

Things I remember about Sasha:

• She was such a willful cat. I will never forget her pushing a cardboard box around with her head because it was in her way.
• She was really sweet when you were alone with her. Most of her crankiness was just a show.
• I loved the tiger striped section of her ear, the black mask covering part of her face, and the crinkly fur on her front right paw, and her pink and black spotted paw pads.
• She was very dramatic- you could step a foot away from her and she would yell like she was being killed.
• She was a great foot warmer at night.
• She would lay on my back and act like a heating pad when my back hurt.
• She had an eye for pretty things, and would sleep on all of the prettiest pillows, blankets and rugs.
• She was my first cat that I had after moving away from home. We got her about 2 weeks after getting married, and she was our baby girl.

 I am going to miss her terribly.

I got off work early today and intended to get a jump on the bills and laundry but instead I took a nap. I have been sooo exhausted lately. It seems like it started when I was pregnant (5 years ago). I thought quitting smoking would help, and it didn’t. Neither did the antidepressants. I guess the weight is the next likely culprit. Meh.

We are going to my mother in law’s Sunday, having my Mom over Monday, and then having dinner with Ryan’s Dad next week. I miss my Daddy and wish I could see him for Christmas too.

Ian is excited about Christmas but disappointd today that it isn’t snowing. He knows it is the 1st day of winter and somehow thought that meant it would snow every day now. It was so hard to explain that since we already had snow this year, we probably won’t get any more and that it is just a fact of life living in Texas. He was not happy.

Ryan is panicking because he hasn’t shopped for me yet. I keep telling him that all I want is some nice comfy socks to last me through the year and an IOU for some new lingerie when I have time to pick it out. I would rather save any other money for stuff for the new house. I don’t think he believes me.

I got a 99.4% in my Marketing class for my final grade. I also got an Excellence award at work, complete with a $500 bonus. So it has been a good week!

Merry Christmas all.

It’s a weekend of parties. Last night, we got all dressed up and went to the Ridglea Country Club for Ryan’s work party. I met a lot of people he scarcely knows, and found out that the ones he is friendliest with remind me a lot of our friends.  I wish I could say it was fun getting all dressed up, but I was very self conscious all night about whether I was fat enough that people were staring at me (I know that is ridiculous, probably). Ryan said I looked pretty, though, and he usually doesn’t bother to lie to me about that, so maybe I actually did look all right.  When we got home, I was a little buzzed and laid down on the bed for what was supposed to be 5 minutes. Ryan was to wake me up when he came otu of the bathroom so we could do chores together. Next thing I knew it was an hour later and he had done everything for me because I had been unwakeable.  I feel bad about passing out on him.

Tonight we are going to my boss’ house for a dinner party. I think it will be fun- I really like my boss, and I am friendly with everyone on my team.  It will be a much more casual atmosphere- he said to just wear whatever we would wear to work. 

Finally, tomorrow Ian is going to my Mom’s Christmas party at Home Depot.  In addition to all of that partying, I’ve got to do my normal laundry, bills etc., finish my final paper in Marketing, and clean the house in preparation for my cousin’s visit next week. We are STILL negotiating on the house. Cross your fingers for me.

You know, sometimes I don’t post just because I think that everything in my life is boring. Is that silly or what? If you are reading this, you obviously want to know what’s going on with me, so who cares if it’s boring? It’s the same drivel I would be boring you with if we were talking in person, right? 

 So, anyway, this week it snowed. We got about 3/4 of an inch and Ian was absolutely precious running around making footprints all over the yard. I went to work but ended up coming home at lunch and working from home during the afternoon. This is the first year I’ve had a job that lets me do that, and I was very grateful.

We’re still waiting on them to reply to our offer on our new house. I am busy packing up junk and organizing the stuff that was already in boxes so that we will be ready to put anything unnecessary in storage before we put our house on the market.

We’re putting the Christmas tree up today and Ian is very excited that he gets to help. Oh, and he doesn’t really believe in Santa Claus. I think someone at school told him that it’s really someone in your family. He keeps telling my Mom that in case it’s her turn to be Santa this year, he wants her to know that he wants a bike from Walmart. A red one.  *sigh* I don’t want to lie to him to keep the magic going, but I was hoping he’d believe for a few years anyway. I guess I will just avoid the topic as much as I can.

I’m 8 1/2 weeks into my 10 week Marketing course and still have a 99.6% average. I am pretty proud.