Memory in Motion

Trying to get motivated to get off my ass and do something. Too much to do and not enough will to do it. It seems like I should be happier than I am but I never have any time to just do nothing and it wears on me. I watched an Oprah yesterday about how a woman in the
Congo spends most of her day hauling water to make clay bricks to build a 6 foot wall around her hut. She watched her husband and 2 of her children killed before her eyes and lives in constant fear that the murderers will come back. Another woman hauls stuff on her back all day for 19 cents so that she can spend every penny on beans for her 10 children. My big bitch is that I have too much crap to sort through before I can sell this house and move to one that is twice as big. I need to get over myself and be grateful for the blessings I have.

looking for answers- why are you gone? Where did you go and why don’t I feel you here? You were so unhappy yet I loved you so much. What did I learn from you and where are you going now? Why do I see you everywhere in everything I look at?-caramel cookies, a clear path down the hallway and cold feet at night. I miss you my darling Sasha.

Yesterday, my Mom told me that what I had was the beginning of a mid life crisis. I kind of resent that, because I personally plan to live a lot longer than 62, but anyway.. she does have a point I guess. I feel restless, and like I have wasted my talents, my brains, and my potential. Worse yet, I feel like I’m getting too old to change it.  When I was young, I thought I would do something amazing, like discover alternate dimensions, or cure mental illness through neurological research. Instead I am a Project manager. Not that I have a bad life. In fact, I have a pretty GREAT life. I have it better than most people, and I am grateful for that. I am paid to do interesting and challenging work by people who respect me. I have a husband who loves me and a child who is absolutely awesome. I am upper middle class and in good health. And I am going to school to try to keep my brain active, meet a long standing goal of finishing that degree, and to set a good example for my son. It’s just that it seems so… average, I suppose. No one is going to write books about the contributions I made to society or to the scientific field unless I make some pretty dramatic changes in my life. And right now I am not sure I am willing to do that. I want another child. I want to build my house. I want to travel. Maybe I will be one of those grandmas who go back to college later in life. I’ll be the oldest graduating Physics PhD on record. Who knows? I guess anything is possible- I’m still young, after all.  Right?

When am I going to allow myself to see the peace around me instead of rallying against unseen injustices and worrying about things that may or may not happen in my life or in anyone else’s? When will I see the
generosity and love all around me? I’m gazing at 3 sets of flowers brought to me by my husband and son and still I have the audacity to feel unloved and unappreciated.

I feel like I am sleepwalking today. I slept 9 hours, then took an hour long nap in the recliner after breakfast, and despite coffee, a shower and the fact that I have actually been moving about the house for several hours now, I feel like I could just fall asleep any second. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 

2006

Started new job as Program Manager 
Dealt with depression and am now properly medicated
Went back to school and got A’s in my first 3 classes
Successfully brought my awesome son through another year
Passed my 1 year smoke free anniversary
Lost my darling cat Sasha

2007 Goals

Lose at least 50 pounds
Sell my house
Have new house built and move in!
Prepare to try to get pregnant in about a year- budgets, medication plans, weight lifting to build muscles where I need them
Continue to work on relationship with Ryan
Continue to manage Kyra’s diabetes through diet and hopefully watch her make a full recovery- she’s doing so much better already!
Watch Ian start kindergarten without haing a complete nervous breakdown