Memory in Motion

Ian missed 3 days of school this week due to the flu, and I missed 2 days of work taking care of him. I was ridiculously sick too, but you know I would have dragged myself to work anyway if it weren’t for him. My mom stayed home with him yesterday and today he was back at school. I am still miserable. I feel fevery although I am scared to see how high it is. Ryan says I look “green around the gills”. It could be because I got a disappointing review at work today. It wasn’t a bad one. It just wasn’t excellent. I’m sure that I will put it all in perspective soon enough and use the feedback in order to do a lot better next review period, but right now I’m just bummed. I am trying as hard as I can both at school and at work and I’m still getting points knocked off on my papers (okay, I have a 96 average, which is pretty good- but no perfect) and getting “good” ratings at work. It makes me think that maybe I really AM living up to my potential and I’m just not that freaking special after all.

Trying to get motivated to get off my ass and do something. Too much to do and not enough will to do it. It seems like I should be happier than I am but I never have any time to just do nothing and it wears on me. I watched an Oprah yesterday about how a woman in the
Congo spends most of her day hauling water to make clay bricks to build a 6 foot wall around her hut. She watched her husband and 2 of her children killed before her eyes and lives in constant fear that the murderers will come back. Another woman hauls stuff on her back all day for 19 cents so that she can spend every penny on beans for her 10 children. My big bitch is that I have too much crap to sort through before I can sell this house and move to one that is twice as big. I need to get over myself and be grateful for the blessings I have.

looking for answers- why are you gone? Where did you go and why don’t I feel you here? You were so unhappy yet I loved you so much. What did I learn from you and where are you going now? Why do I see you everywhere in everything I look at?-caramel cookies, a clear path down the hallway and cold feet at night. I miss you my darling Sasha.

Yesterday, my Mom told me that what I had was the beginning of a mid life crisis. I kind of resent that, because I personally plan to live a lot longer than 62, but anyway.. she does have a point I guess. I feel restless, and like I have wasted my talents, my brains, and my potential. Worse yet, I feel like I’m getting too old to change it.  When I was young, I thought I would do something amazing, like discover alternate dimensions, or cure mental illness through neurological research. Instead I am a Project manager. Not that I have a bad life. In fact, I have a pretty GREAT life. I have it better than most people, and I am grateful for that. I am paid to do interesting and challenging work by people who respect me. I have a husband who loves me and a child who is absolutely awesome. I am upper middle class and in good health. And I am going to school to try to keep my brain active, meet a long standing goal of finishing that degree, and to set a good example for my son. It’s just that it seems so… average, I suppose. No one is going to write books about the contributions I made to society or to the scientific field unless I make some pretty dramatic changes in my life. And right now I am not sure I am willing to do that. I want another child. I want to build my house. I want to travel. Maybe I will be one of those grandmas who go back to college later in life. I’ll be the oldest graduating Physics PhD on record. Who knows? I guess anything is possible- I’m still young, after all.  Right?

When am I going to allow myself to see the peace around me instead of rallying against unseen injustices and worrying about things that may or may not happen in my life or in anyone else’s? When will I see the
generosity and love all around me? I’m gazing at 3 sets of flowers brought to me by my husband and son and still I have the audacity to feel unloved and unappreciated.

I feel like I am sleepwalking today. I slept 9 hours, then took an hour long nap in the recliner after breakfast, and despite coffee, a shower and the fact that I have actually been moving about the house for several hours now, I feel like I could just fall asleep any second. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 

2006

Started new job as Program Manager 
Dealt with depression and am now properly medicated
Went back to school and got A’s in my first 3 classes
Successfully brought my awesome son through another year
Passed my 1 year smoke free anniversary
Lost my darling cat Sasha

2007 Goals

Lose at least 50 pounds
Sell my house
Have new house built and move in!
Prepare to try to get pregnant in about a year- budgets, medication plans, weight lifting to build muscles where I need them
Continue to work on relationship with Ryan
Continue to manage Kyra’s diabetes through diet and hopefully watch her make a full recovery- she’s doing so much better already!
Watch Ian start kindergarten without haing a complete nervous breakdown

Sasha died early this morning. It was very unexpected. I noticed that she was hiding under the bed Saturday morning, and figured that she was having a grooming problem and was trying to avoid us giving her a bath.  We finally drug her out from under the bed yesterday morning when she didn’t come out to get her stocking full of catnip, and found that she was very weak and dehydrated. We gave her some food and water, and gave her a soft area to sleep in our bathroom.  We covered her with a towel because she felt cold, and we visited her throughout the day, but she just kept getting worse. By evening, she wasn’t moving, and when we did try to move her, she cried. I got really scared when I realized she wasn’t blinking at all. I think she saw me still, but she wasn’t opening and closing her eyes, and I knew she would go blind before long if she didn’t start blinking again.  I laid down on the floor with her and stroked her, and talked to her about how much I loved her and why. I told her I was sorry for the fact that we hadn’t always gotten along.

Once we got Ian to bed, Ryan took her to the emergency animal clinic that’s open 24/7.  They were doing some bloodwork and tests on her to see what was wrong, but while they were working on her, she went into cardiac arrest. They did CPR but she didn’t make it.  The vet really thinks that she had cancer. She said she felt a mass in her abdomen, and that a lot of times cats will have cancer and just not seem sick until the very end. By the time we brought her out from under the bed, her body had probably metabolized part of her liver, and there was really nothing we could do.

I am very sad, and trying to seem OK for Ian. Ian is the most compassionate boy- when Ryan came home, Ian was worried about Sasha being alone at the hospital. When we told him that she had died and wasn’t coming home, he was worried that now Daddy didn’t have a cat, and offered to share Kyra and Solstice.  I love that he is so empathetic. I don’t think he really understands what death is, but he knows that Sasha was sick, and her body stopped working, and that she won’t be with us anymore.

I feel guilty for not knowing something was wrong sooner. She had been much more affectionate these past few months. She got outside a couple of weeks back and stayed gone for 2 days, which was totally out of character. And about 3 months ago, she had lost a tooth. I didn’t take any of those as signs that she needed to be seen by a vet. I guess it doesn’t do any good to beat myself up about it, but I still feel like I failed her.

Things I remember about Sasha:

• She was such a willful cat. I will never forget her pushing a cardboard box around with her head because it was in her way.
• She was really sweet when you were alone with her. Most of her crankiness was just a show.
• I loved the tiger striped section of her ear, the black mask covering part of her face, and the crinkly fur on her front right paw, and her pink and black spotted paw pads.
• She was very dramatic- you could step a foot away from her and she would yell like she was being killed.
• She was a great foot warmer at night.
• She would lay on my back and act like a heating pad when my back hurt.
• She had an eye for pretty things, and would sleep on all of the prettiest pillows, blankets and rugs.
• She was my first cat that I had after moving away from home. We got her about 2 weeks after getting married, and she was our baby girl.

 I am going to miss her terribly.

I got off work early today and intended to get a jump on the bills and laundry but instead I took a nap. I have been sooo exhausted lately. It seems like it started when I was pregnant (5 years ago). I thought quitting smoking would help, and it didn’t. Neither did the antidepressants. I guess the weight is the next likely culprit. Meh.

We are going to my mother in law’s Sunday, having my Mom over Monday, and then having dinner with Ryan’s Dad next week. I miss my Daddy and wish I could see him for Christmas too.

Ian is excited about Christmas but disappointd today that it isn’t snowing. He knows it is the 1st day of winter and somehow thought that meant it would snow every day now. It was so hard to explain that since we already had snow this year, we probably won’t get any more and that it is just a fact of life living in Texas. He was not happy.

Ryan is panicking because he hasn’t shopped for me yet. I keep telling him that all I want is some nice comfy socks to last me through the year and an IOU for some new lingerie when I have time to pick it out. I would rather save any other money for stuff for the new house. I don’t think he believes me.

I got a 99.4% in my Marketing class for my final grade. I also got an Excellence award at work, complete with a $500 bonus. So it has been a good week!

Merry Christmas all.